SageisBlog

A Little Bit Better, But Not a Lot -04/09/2026

Thank God it's Friyay. Thank the LORD that it is Friyay. I have done the annoying parts of the day. Now I just have a bunch more annoying stuff to do. I rewatched Empire Records with my shadow yesterday, and it inspired us both to dance more. We thing that the confidence prerequisite to doing a dance outweighs the embarrasment of doing a dance. Like if no one else is dancing maybe that sucks but it jsut seems like in the 1990's people would be way more down to bust a move. The movie is really really cute anyway, one of my favourites.
I wish I was reading mroe, but I am simply exhausted at work, and hanging out with my friends outside of work. MY friends wont let me read.. They are weavil... kill all my friends... rraaaughh!
I updated my Letterboxd. I am exhausted. I have to put in the hours over the weekend or THEY WILL KILL ME!!!!!!!!

uuuurrrgghghhhhhghhgghhh ggggGUhuuhghghhhh -03/09/2026

I'm not fit to be anything! I ahve squandered every opportunity I had to be living a better life than this. There is a deterministic causal chain of events that have led to me feeling TERRIBLE and SICK every day!!!! Except I'm not a hardline determinist so I believe I had the power to CHANGE THAT! BUT I DIDNT OR COLDNT????
I don't want to be one of those people who finds their purpose and happiness in their 30s. I know what I want already. I want to DIE in my 30s. To burn out quick and spectacular like a mushroom that explodes into spores.
But instead I get NOTHING! WHEN DO I GET TO BURST?????????
In two days I will feel normal again.

Busy Bee Falling Apart -02/09/2026

I am dying. I am fading away. I am not quite sick, but something is wrong. It's too hot in every room. I woke up this morning and strained my calf, which hurt like hell for maybe two minutes. I limped to the bathroom. The bathroom which I keep needing to use. I am getting sick, or I am about to discorver a brand new way of being alive that involves nigh-constant suffering. I need a day to myself.
I got a phonecall from across the pond this morning, a holidaying friend. I didn't mention that I am falling apart, but I hope I last till they get back.
Today is not a difficult day, but I am implacably stressed.
May update later.
Later:
Hey guys, its me, how are you? I am fine. I did most of my stuff I hadded to do. My mentor teacher just popped in, on a cruscade. Some kids put up some poster and then denied doing it and I guess you gotta take your wins where you can get them as a teacher. My win for today is that I got throguh it.
If i had Legs I'd Kick You was really sad and horrible and beautiful and stuff. I can't really think of anything else like it. I thought Conen O'Brien woul be funny but it wasnt that sort of movie. The friend with whom I experienced the movie started telling me about how he had "figured out everything" after having read a dense philosophy paper for class. Unfortunately his framework for reality is anti-deterministic, so it's hard to get on board with, but I started reading the paper and I think it is good so far. I have mostly just been reading about the vividness of reality under experimental conditions and how language serves to both define and reduce that experience on both ends of the experiment, but that something happens in-between that produces a type of reality that is somehow simultaniously measurable and beyind the pale. It's really really dense I hope it coheres more because its LOOOONG too. I'm probably out of my depth but let me finish it, y'know?
I think I am dying less, but I genuinely don't recall the state in which I wrote the first part of this post. It may as well have been a week ago. Weird.

They make me work EVERY day -31/08/2026

Hi blog, hi hello. Good afternoon, Hi. Today I have mostly been focusing on work, which isn't blogable. Tonight I am watching 'If I had Legs, I'd Kick You' featuring famed Simpsons writer, Conen O'Brien; with a friend. I am excited for it.
I kind of don't have a lot to say today. My mind are misty shores and myself, as a child, playing blocks in the sand. I cannot see more than a metre or so in front of me, and the blocks are a metaphor for being at work.
This morning I forgot my lunch at home. My mentor apologised for their advice being too harsh last Friday, and said they were being a 'bitch'. Frankly, the word didn't even cross my mind, which is what makes me a feminist.
But I was stressed about it all weekend, so whatever.
Never stress about anything ever.

Too many cooks -30/08/2026

Yesterday I had SEVEN people in my house to watch a movie. For context, I live in a single bedroom living space with a shared kitchen/bathroom. The movie was 2020's Dinner in America. One of my favourite movies.
I was worried that it wouldn't hold up for me, but upon rewatch I enjoyed it an indistinguishably similar amount to the first time. Probably not the sort of movie to watch every other week, but once a year or so. Really really excelent stuff, and everybody else liked it too.
I made a biiiig pasta bake and people had barely any of it, and I feel like I got to talk to most people who where there an appreciable amount, asides from two, who I would have liked to engage with more as one has been away for a time, and the other was the catalyst for the event in the first palce; in the latter's case I suspect tete a tete is not their forte or preference. I am not finding the accents for any of those words.
Today, I saw my grandmother, which was nice, and I got some books from Savers as well as some groceries not from Savers. I think I am overwhelming my literature palette, and if I am not able to be more selective, I will burn myself out and not read anything at all. Too many irons in the fire. I am already overwhelmed simply with the intricacies of everyday life.
Continuing my Daria opinions:
- Quinn the Brain is a good and funny episode. I really like when Quinn voluntarily seeks Jane's counsel. I LIKE WHEN THE CARACTERS TALK CROSS-CLIQUE (which, for the record and for the advice of any aspiring contemporary writers, does not WORK if there are no cliques to begin with. It should feel a little unusual for such characters to speak with each other, it is what makes it so impactful when Harry Osborne plays DND with the Geeks, or when any of the characters in the Breakfast Club talk to each other. It is of the contemporary style to melting-pot-theory your whole cast and just vomit out interactions that are based solely on individual personality quirks, rather than standing and context. Neo-liberal writing, i dont know). The central theme of this episode is the idea that when expectations are set low, any effort is disproportionally rewarded; but is not explored much. 4/5
- The wedding episode is also really really good at expressing that feeling of being on the fringe in school, thinking there might not be anyone else like you, and suddenly finding evidence that there are. For many this is the experience of attending a convention or prosocial club, for Daria, this evidence is found in her extended family, in an aunt, and a boy whose relation I forget. It's sweet, it's hopeful, and the show never really says any of this out loud. 5/5
- That was Then, This is Dumb, is an episode about generational difference. Trent x Daria is like whatever but they have a sweet conversation in this. It's just nice seeing Daria have so much negative influence in her life (as in cynical). 4/5
If you're reading this, if you check in on this even occasionally, I hope you know that I appreciate it. I hope you know that I care so deeply for you that it makes me feel ill. I hope you know that I am ill, and choose my company anyway.
In closing, I am so stressed about like four big things right now. For one, Placement; for two, [redacted]; for three, I got a noise complaint yesterday and I just cannot lose this lease guys, this place is so good for the moment, seriously; and for four, a very general and persistent malaise that things simply will not get better and that any hope and joy I feel is merely setup for a very cruel, very persistent, punchline. Which is not really the note I wanted to leave on, but see above, r.e. illness. Life is beautiful, my blessings are literally daily at the moment. Relax. Goodnight <3

It is not a difficult shot, merely an unfamiliar one -28/08/2026

I have completed the most unfamiliar part of my day; the rest is rote. I need to keep an eye on two things: Behaviour and Resource Wastage. Literally so easy. I mean familiar.
Upon request I am submitting my Daria opinions to this blog:
- The Lab Rat episode is just fine 3.5/5, but I do like to see the characters interacting cross clique. It's makes the school feel like a real place a la Freaks & Geeks.
- Misery Chick is the best episode I've watched thus far. 5/5 Genuinely very funny, but drops the humour to deliver its emotional moment in a way that reminds me of Frasier, or perhaps of the lost art in comedy of shutting the fuck up for a minute.
- Arts & Crass also was really good. 4/5 It reminded me a lot of Reality Bites, r.e. artistic integrity, in that mid-late 90s way.
I am glad I am finally watching this show, after two false starts. Sometimes you just have to be in the right place for art to affect you.
I am also toying with rereading The Secret History. I don't know it jsut rules and one of my friends might be reading it (possibly, as I type???) and its just ugh so good. So I'm maybe 15 pages in, still debating the endeavour, reading how Richard looks back at the ravine in the prologue, much like Orpheus and much like Job. I'm reading how he describes himself as succeptable to cult thinking, being ensorceled specifically by Pythagoras and his beliefs, like, dude. I love the way he describes the first night at Hampden, "the nights, bigger than imagining; black and gusty and enormous, disordered and wild with stars." I am in love with Tartt's sentences, some of which extend through half the page-dominating it-like the blank summer sky, not a period cloud to be seen, over the messy inhabitants of a sleepy comma town. What the hell is that.
Okay and also, VRSTY rules, ok? Both albums.

I need to chill out -27/08/2026

Yesterday I was being dramatic about nothing, literally its so fine. It's almost as if I am prone to catastraphise small, specific events. It's hard saying goodbye to someone whom i quite want to be friends with more, but at least I feel that the desire is mutual. I can chill out for a few weeks. I have TV to watch on my TV. Tonight's dinner & movie has been CANCELED. Which is okay I'll jsut watch TV.
Goooodddd I have no money to my naaaame. I should make a real dinner but i dont know what to make that's cheap because I'm out of cheese. I might just make potatoes with butter and seasoning. Sounds awesome.
My head is buzzing with inside thoughts. Even here I cannot be completely true to my interiority. Actually largely because people would get mad if they found their names on here. But broadly I am worried about some of the relationships in my life, which is perfectly natural and normal and fine. I am very tired. I want to eat chips and candy. I'll update later, I'm going to go watch the Sammy D presentation.
Later:
If this were a psy-op, he would have been blond. The Sammy D experience is a short, affecting speech, intermittently video presentation, about a kid who got punched in the back of the head and died. It's an anti-violence foundation. It's so interesting how we narrativise these horrible situations in retrospect. It's fascinating how victims become our protagonists. His movements so minutely tracked and extrapolated from evidence and testimony. I don't often think about how my actions would be interperated by a court if I were killed. probably not a healthy framework for navigating the world.
Yesterday I had dinner with my BFF and my ex and it was great we had Hotpot. After work I always feel so heightened and it makes me kind of a cunt, but only towards my ex so I guess thats ok. Afterwards was pub time because a lot of my friends are pub people and this time I had a good time. I almost see what they seem to.
Tonight I plan to make something agreeable to eat, and watch Daria in bed. Tomorrow is a kind of annoying but not too odious day. It would be nice to be rested. If possible.

Another day, a nother ollar -26/08/2026

Morning:
I got moooore sleep last night but I'm still tired. I went to the store in the morning and chugged an ice coffee in the hallway at walk so that no one would see me abusing stimulants. I also bought 8 mini muffins which were marked down for only 2 dollars!
r.e. two evenings ago. It's amaing how comfortable I felt just sharing space, and both of us kind of working on our own thing and both of us for the most part, quietly watching a show. Crazy. Of course that's all fucked now, and the only good things that ever happen to me do so to make the next part HURT MORE.
I listened to one of For All Eternity's early albums that I found at a misc. vintage store in Melbourne. It's a good album, despite, maybe because, of being Christian Metalcore. The clean vocalist has such a high voice, its awesome.
Last night's pool was good, I am not very good at pool. Or, I'm very inconsistently good. And dinner was nice. Pizza from the pizza chain (but not location) that I grew up near. Actually being out and doing things is great because I don't have to listen to the inane cognitive chitter of my own anxieties. Maybe I deserve to be medicated.
Today is not a busy day, but it is a day where I have to keep busy. Or look busy. So I plan to update later.
Afternoon:
There is nothing I despise more than one who is put in a position to orate, and is not good at it (leftover thought from yesterday).
The rest of my day fares okay. I feel as if there is a culture here that I am not privy to, and that everybody seems preturnaturally on edge. There is a faint buzzing in the back of everyone's skulls. It makes them weird, but not in an interesting nor obvious way. this is maybe just how a workplace feels.
I am learning more about pottery, to try and drive hooks into student's brains, and hopefully find an angle that interests them. Did you know that the oldest ceramic forms ever found are about 30,000 years old? That's Ice Age shit. That's six times older than the great pyramids, which where already 2000 years old by the time Cleopatra was Pharaoh. We're talking lil statues and effigies and Gods and Goddesses. The oldest evidence for POTTERY, as in VESSELS is about 20,000 years old, and Chinese. It's crazy to me that pottery is just something we DO. As long as the conditions are met, it seems to emerge. Super super interesting. Another point for humanity.
It's less rainy. I have a dinner tonight. I pray for release.

Yesterday and Today -25/08/2026

Yesterday was good. Really good. I love to make friends.
I harbour a great envy towards my new friend's talents, hopefully a sort of envy that will propel me to create more. I need to make a comic right now. I need to write more because I am the best writer ever.
This morning I woke feelings rather ill, from my tired. It is a busy day today, and I am approximatly 1/3rd of the way through that as I type. I am trying to make plans to test all my cameras in an amazing outing, so that I can update this website. This week holds much promise, so long as I can also take care of myself. It could feel so incredibly good.
In other news, I am going to start watching so much Daria, because it rules. It's exceptionally witty in a way I am sure I have seen before, and miss greatly.
Tonight I will do my laundry. I really need to wash my sheets, but I will need to take them to the laundrmat to dry, which sucks and is annoying. But it is my chore for tongiht. Then I will play pool and it will be okay.
Everything will be okay.

Entry the First -24/08/2026

This is more about capturing a state of consciousness, rather than a recount of events. I am in a place where I feel often deeply unsatisfied, perhaps even rather upset.
Yet there is joy, primarily when I am in the company of others; or in engaging with others on a piece of art or idea. The other day I watched 2013's Her, which was a spectacular experience. It was a movie that made me feel things, and I watched with with three others, in my house. The experience was deepened by the fact of the films aquisition: rented DVD from my state's last surviving movie rental place. It feels so incredibly awesome to go out and rent a film and take it back home and watch it. Perhaps it is pure novelty. But if novelty is what it takes to do something worthwhile, pursue it.
I have another opportuity to engage with media arts today, and another later in the week.
I also have been reading, a habit I often let slip. Finishing books makes me feel accomplished, even if the books aren't very good, or if I cannot engage with other's on them. Because no one I know reads much scifi.
I recently took a rest day, with no activities planned. Though I had tasks that would have been useful to complete, I spent the day watching YouTube videos and making snack foods. Only in the evening did I pull myself together and make a soup. I tihnk this is a lesson, for one, do not plan to 'do nothing' as this will permit my most base activities; and for two, to always do someething effortful in the morning, as I feel that this orients me for a more intentional state of mind. This can be cooking breakfast, or going to the store, or some such. Leaving the front door would be nice, but is not always very desirable.
Another thing I have been letting slip is my writing. As difficult as it is to pursue while I am on placement, I believe it will only harm me if I am not able to force myself into a more consistent schedule with it. This counts, barely.
I am spedning a good amount of time around the people that I care about. My insatiable desire to meet new people has not been so overwhelming lately, though I suspect this is because of apathy. I have trouble imagining my future the way I want it. But if I do not do the things I love now, I will not do them when I am comforted by amorous presence, either.
It is cloudy, the sun diffuses like a paper lantern acress the sweep of the sky. I can see a quarry from where I sit, carved into the side of picturesque hills, framed by rolling, classy suburbs and the white-grey sky behind. I wish I were there, scrabling over tumbling rock, trodding through silty puddles, feeling slightly intimidated by machinery. If everyone on Earth suddenly turned to ash right now, that is where I would go.

©Sage Haba 2024-2026